Confused

Ok, I need to vent a bit. I'll preface this by saying that just 3 days ago we were flat broke and our mortgage payment would have bounced later this week. And my wife was making $400/mo watching my daughters friend all day, and she is basically "unemployed" after next week, until she finds a job. Our solution was a terrible idea (high interest personal loan), but the only option we had to pay the mortgage and have a "buffer" to cover us for the next month or two in case she didn't get a job right away.

I told her yesterday that I needed to mow the grass (yesterday). She said she was going to a friends house to "get out of the house" and before she left I reminded her that I needed to mow and asked that she be back soon. She didn't get home until 9:30, so no mowing.

Anyway, my wife calls me up today at work and says she'd like to go to JCPenney out by Saxony in Noblesville 'cause they're having a helluva sale (like 80% off or something) and that she'd like to get Lauren (5) some school clothes. I asked what kind of clothes (because she has a closet full) and she said some pants, because she's outgrown all of hers, and some shirts that are more appropriate for school.

Apparently my first mistake was asking her how she knew all of Lauren's pants were too small, seeing how she just wore them 3-4 months ago and she has a drawer full. My wife said she just knows, and that she is the one dressing Lauren 90% of the time. I asked if she's had her try on her pants to make sure, and she said no. So, I stated that I didn't think it would be worth it to drive all the way out there (60 min round trip) to buy clothes that may or may not really be needed, and it's still summer...she has no use for pants! My second mistake was telling her I wanted to wait to mow until after dinner tonight when it was a little cooler (which would have interfered with her shopping plans).

Anytime I challange my wife, she gets mad. It doesn't really matter what it's about.

Nevertheless, I decided to just go mow before dinner. Afterwards I gave in and said she could go shopping. A few minutes later she grabbed her phone and keys and was out the door without a word.

2-3 hours later, she comes back with only 1 item for Lauren and 2 shirts for me. She asks me if I like the shirts and after a quick glance and without trying either of them on, I indicate that one looks good and I'm iffy on the other. I'm not sure if being iffy on the other was my 3rd mistake or what, but she went to bed mad and I'm sure there will be an argument tomorrow while I'm at work.

Ugh!

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tommy Wags on July 31, 2008 at 10:38am: Sounds like my ex wife. Always spending when we didn't have the money and didn't care about the household requirements before putting her own needs first. I think you both should go get some counseling (insurance will often cover it) and that will allow you both to vent about problems while having a constructive 3rd party to listen. Money problems can cause a lot of trouble in a marriage and it sounds like things are a bit out of hand. Get the problems taken care of or the marriage will suffer.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Eric Enochs on July 31, 2008 at 11:19am: I agree with Tommy sounds like some issues. I know in my ex marriage that money was a big thing. In addition, eventually was our downfall. I cared about the spending and she did not. I would suggest one thing that I think has helped me recently.

Have a budget meeting every month between you and her and go over everything. However, do this in a professional civilized way. If there is an issue with someone’s spending then discusses it and look at a compromise. Do this every month and things will change. You cannot ignore the spending problem and by just making light of it, you are making a change.

In addition, one last thing is to treat her with respect during it. Make sure that you respect her opinion and her input.

Hope this helps, it has worked for me recently and changed allot of issues I had.

Good Luck; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Noah on July 31, 2008 at 12:05pm: It can be really tough when it feels like you are always the one having to compromise. Especially when you aren't really compromising, you're just giving in because you're tired of always arguing over things.

I guess one thing to consider is that, in my experience, shopping holds some kind of special brain-chemical-releasing power over most women. Meaning, they do it because it makes them feel better. I think the fact that it costs money to do this is really only a consequence of the act (ie. they aren't just out spending to spend, they just want to shop to shop). It's a comfort zone and at the same time she gets to provide for her child, so a double whammy in terms of how good it probably makes her feel.

However, when money is tight, we don't always get to do what we want to do on impulse. I like Eric's idea of having some kind of budget meeting. It sounds hokey, but honestly, money management isn't ever easy. If you can both get on the same page on exactly where money needs to go, it might help with situations like this. And, if you can show her that you are under the same money constraints she is, that might help, too.

One of the hardest things a man has to do is continue to be respectful to his wife even if she is being disrespectful to him. But, if you care about your marriage and family, sometimes you have to be the "bigger" person and just toughen up and take it. Give her soft responses and try your best to communicate how what she says makes you feel without lashing back at her. And this won't work every time--especially the first time. Just hang in there during these tough issues.

Also, keep in mind that the logic in your head is about as logical to her as her logic is to you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 12:07pm: Sometimes I feel like Spock!

Noah said:
Also, keep in mind that the logic in your head is about as logical to her as her logic is to you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Noah on July 31, 2008 at 12:17pm: Ah, yes. "Female Logic" is a grand and mysterious thing.

One of my all-time favorite quotes from a movie is Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets where a young receptionist asks him how he so perfectly writes women in his books.

His response: "I think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability."

(wife doesn't seem to find that quote nearly as funny as I do)

William (aka Kenny) said:
Sometimes I feel like Spock!
Noah said:
Also, keep in mind that the logic in your head is about as logical to her as her logic is to you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 12:39pm: Thanks for the comments guys. I'll be the first to admit that I don't always do what's right with our money. I rarely take my lunch to work, something I'm working on changing. And I'm an cookie and ice cream whore, which as of late has made me wonder if I'm diabetic. I'll be making an appt soon to get tested.

For the last few months I've been carpooling to work because my other car broke down. I was spending $400/month on gas for that thing too, but that money has since been consumed by debt.

My wife and I have always had a long standing argument about money, especially when she talks of going shopping or wanting to buy this or that. It used to be that when she said she wanted to buy something, my immediate response was our financial position regarding that something (either we had the money or we didn't). Most of the time, we didn't. We finally sat down and talked about that and she said that just because she says she wants to get something, it doesn't mean that she wants it right now, and that my comment of our financial position just made her mad. As a result, I've been making an effort to just keep my mouth shut, until she clearly indicates the timeframe in which she wants to buy that something. It doesn't seem that my adjustment has helped matters and she still gets mad when I say we don't have the money.

In the end, I think the reason she wanted to go shopping last night was that since we got that loan, she felt we had money to spend. But the purpose of that loan, which we discussed, and agreed upon before getting it, was to cover the mortgage payment this week, and then to save the rest to replace her income until she found a new job. So really, that money is not to "spend", it's to cover bills/expenses.

I'll talk to her today about sitting down each week or each payday and show her the finances and where we stand and discuss how we can establish a budget and stick to it. Our main problem is that we are still used to the lifestyle we established early in our relationship...back when the economy was good, we both had full time jobs, and interest rates were low.

Oh how I long for the good 'ole days!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Noah on July 31, 2008 at 1:05pm: William,

I totally understand the issue of getting used to a certain lifestyle. My wife and I run into that problem all the time. It's hard to adjust.

My wife tends to be the money manager and I'll admit that I tend to talk about things I want to buy, not really intending to go out and buy them, and she'll often respond with something about how we can't afford it. It does get annoying sometimes, especially when I know we can't afford it, but I just want to declare that I want something.

Another good exercise would be to identify "wants" versus "needs." Often times, perceived "needs" tend to be "wants."

It can be difficult to see money in your account and force yourself to see zero spendable money. To be honest, you guys are at a critical point if you are taking out a loan to pay your mortgage. You have to be very, very careful and get out of that situation as soon as you can. Because you don't want to have to take out another loan to pay that loan and etc. etc.

I'm sure you are aware of this. And, I don't know anything about you're wife or how you communicate, but you may want to try and explain things to her in terms of you being nervous or scared about the situation "we" are in. In my marriage, I've found that during those conversations, if I focus only on how stressed out I am and talk about all the things I'm willing to give up, without asking her to do anything, she always recognizes how serious things are and will then offer up things she can do (and anytime you can get your wife to come up with ideas on her own, and make things "her idea," the better--it's a common technique women use on us!); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 2:18pm: Yes, we are at a critical point. Something I've been stressing to my wife for some time now. I've already told her that if she is unable to find a job soon, then I will get a 2nd job to make sure we have the money. She asked what kind of work I'd do and I said "bagboy, burger flipper, whatever". I'm sure that makes her feel inadequate, which is not my intent, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

I'm certainly not perfect when it comes to sticking with the "needs" and sparing the "wants".

I've been nervous about our finances for several years, and we have talked about it. She has

Ok, now she's really gone and pissed me off...she just said she's going to take back the clothes that she bought because "we don't have enough money". Grrr...this passive-agressive stuff really irritates me. At least we'll be "in the neighborhood" to return them tonight.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Noah on July 31, 2008 at 2:23pm: I guess my question would be how did she come to this conclusion?

But, in trying times, everything seems like fightin' words.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 2:25pm: It's her passive-aggressive way of admitting that I was right. She'll still be mad about it and I'll get the silent treatment for another day or two. Grrrrr.

Noah said:
I guess my question would be how did she come to this conclusion?

But, in trying times, everything seems like fightin' words.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 3:43pm: At least I thought it was....apparently not. I stand corrected.

William (aka Kenny) said:
It's her passive-aggressive way of admitting that I was right. She'll still be mad about it and I'll get the silent treatment for another day or two. Grrrrr.

Noah said:
I guess my question would be how did she come to this conclusion?

But, in trying times, everything seems like fightin' words.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by William on July 31, 2008 at 3:43pm: For the record, this is something she has expressed interest in doing in the past, but neither of us has been consistent on scheduling the time. We talked a little today and I asked that she put it on the calendar she keeps for each week or two. Hopefully that will be an easy reminder for both of us. We'll start tonight.

William (aka Kenny) said:
I'll talk to her today about sitting down each week or each payday and show her the finances and where we stand and discuss how we can establish a budget and stick to it.; ▶ Reply to This