A potential Single Father Need advice

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Permalink Reply by Joe Shearer on December 16, 2009 at 2:04pm

I don't know a whole lot about the legalities or processes, but I'd say get a lawyer and make your own case to establish paternity. Get yourself interjected into the situation. If you're the father you have rights, and it's an absolute crime for any father who wants to be involved in his child's life be denied that right.

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Permalink Reply by Eric Enochs on December 16, 2009 at 2:10pm

Same with Joe I don't know alot about the legalities but i 100% think your doing the right thing. I wouldn't put it past her to take you out of the child's life and have potential son grow up without knowing you. If you prove to be the father then you have rights and should exercise them.

I deal with the prosecutors now. other than them thinking i was the non custodial parent at first it has been smooth.

I have a question, if the child proves to NOT be yours, will you be fine with that?

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Permalink Reply by Brian on December 16, 2009 at 2:14pm

If he is not mine, then I will have to go on with my life. It would be hard because I thought he was mine the whole time and wish she would have told me long ago that there was a possibility he may not be mine. But its life.

Eric Enochs said:

Same with Joe I don't know alot about the legalities but i 100% think your doing the right thing. I wouldn't put it past her to take you out of the child's life and have potential son grow up without knowing you. If you prove to be the father then you have rights and should exercise them.

I deal with the prosecutors now. other than them thinking i was the non custodial parent at first it has been smooth.

I have a question, if the child proves to NOT be yours, will you be fine with that?

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Permalink Reply by stuart showalter on December 21, 2009 at 10:29am

Brian-Continue to use the prosecutors office to establish paternity. You may, however, make your own determination as to parenting and support through an 'agreed judgment'. Keep in mind that the Marion County Prosecutors Office under Brizzi has declared that they will not seek child support payments from women and they do not care about father's parenting time but that he better pay, not provide, support. Very biased against men. You may want to view my blog posting today about support and custody. Cheers-Stu

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Permalink Reply by William on December 22, 2009 at 7:28pm

Stuart-

Is this published somewhere?

stuart showalter said:

Keep in mind that the Marion County Prosecutors Office under Brizzi has declared that they will not seek child support payments from women and they do not care about father's parenting time but that he better pay, not provide, support.

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Permalink Reply by stuart showalter on December 22, 2009 at 10:00pm

These are the comments I and clients have heard. I do believe that they will actually tell you on the phone that they won't seek to enforce parenting time but will go after the father for support payments.

William said:

Stuart-

Is this published somewhere?

stuart showalter said:

Keep in mind that the Marion County Prosecutors Office under Brizzi has declared that they will not seek child support payments from women and they do not care about father's parenting time but that he better pay, not provide, support.

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Permalink Reply by Brian on January 29, 2010 at 9:46am

Hey guys Just an update: Had my first court hearing this week. I was swabbed for the paternity test but she did not bring him to be swabbed and the judge ordered her to go back and get him so that he could be swabbed that day. Which sort of baffled me because it said right in her summons to court that the child's presence is required. Not sure why she is playing games...maybe in the hope of trying to delay things who knows. I have 2 questions, My first question is how does this reflect upon her in the judges eyes for disobeying a court order? My other question is if he proves to be my son, could I ask the judge to grant me joint legal custody or would I have to hire a lawyer in order to do that? I know I have seen posts on here that the prosecutors office doesn't do much in protecting the fathers rights but Ive heard differently. I was just trying to clarify.

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Permalink Reply by Rob Woelfel on January 29, 2010 at 10:36am

It does reflect badly upon her that she did not follow the court order exactly as it was stated. As far as if that has any determination on what the judge will do, probably not. These judges are seeing 100's of people each week and I would imagine 50% of them do not follow direct orders so one case probably will probably not burn an image into his mind, although he may go back and look at transcripts later to help make a decision. And yes the judge can draw up a parenting agreement if one or both party(s) decide to represent themselves, I believe it is known as pro se. If she has a lawyer I would go get a lawyer yourself, I have had friends get buried by their ex's lawyer.

Brian said:

Hey guys Just an update: Had my first court hearing this week. I was swabbed for the paternity test but she did not bring him to be swabbed and the judge ordered her to go back and get him so that he could be swabbed that day. Which sort of baffled me because it said right in her summons to court that the child's presence is required. Not sure why she is playing games...maybe in the hope of trying to delay things who knows. I have 2 questions, My first question is how does this reflect upon her in the judges eyes for disobeying a court order? My other question is if he proves to be my son, could I ask the judge to grant me joint legal custody or would I have to hire a lawyer in order to do that? I know I have seen posts on here that the prosecutors office doesn't do much in protecting the fathers rights but Ive heard differently. I was just trying to clarify.

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Permalink Reply by Ryan P. Ray on February 4, 2010 at 12:46pm

You absolutely can request joint custody, but it is unlikely that you would have joint physical custody. That being said, you should be granted the Indiana parenting time guidelines in regards to parenting time. At this age overnight parenting time is not guaranteed. You should also be aware that if your contact has been limited thus far, it is likely that your parenting time may go through a phasing in stage.

The role of the prosecutors office is not to determine parenting time. They represent neither you or the mother, but instead the state. As a representative of the state their interest is in establishing child support, and not issues of custody and parenting time.

Brian said:

Hey guys Just an update: Had my first court hearing this week. I was swabbed for the paternity test but she did not bring him to be swabbed and the judge ordered her to go back and get him so that he could be swabbed that day. Which sort of baffled me because it said right in her summons to court that the child's presence is required. Not sure why she is playing games...maybe in the hope of trying to delay things who knows. I have 2 questions, My first question is how does this reflect upon her in the judges eyes for disobeying a court order? My other question is if he proves to be my son, could I ask the judge to grant me joint legal custody or would I have to hire a lawyer in order to do that? I know I have seen posts on here that the prosecutors office doesn't do much in protecting the fathers rights but Ive heard differently. I was just trying to clarify.

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Permalink Reply by stuart showalter on February 16, 2010 at 8:16am

Brian said:

Hey guys Just an update: Had my first court hearing this week. I was swabbed for the paternity test but she did not bring him to be swabbed and the judge ordered her to go back and get him so that he could be swabbed that day. Which sort of baffled me because it said right in her summons to court that the child's presence is required. Not sure why she is playing games...maybe in the hope of trying to delay things who knows. I have 2 questions, My first question is how does this reflect upon her in the judges eyes for disobeying a court order? My other question is if he proves to be my son, could I ask the judge to grant me joint legal custody or would I have to hire a lawyer in order to do that? I know I have seen posts on here that the prosecutors office doesn't do much in protecting the fathers rights but Ive heard differently. I was just trying to clarify.

Joint legal custody should be established unless there is a showing that you are not fit to make rational decisions about the child's well-being. Make sure to ask for findings and conclusions pursuant to TR52.

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Permalink Reply by Joe on February 17, 2010 at 2:38pm

I'm only offering a different perspective. . .

What do you mean the right thing? Do you mean legal or moral?

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is not biologically or legally mine. I came into her life when she was 2. Her mother and I married. Divorced 10 years ago. I've always been Dad. Her mother and I had a son together. I got screwed on custody because the court wouldn't separate the children and I had no legally rights to my daughter since my ex wouldn't allow adoption. She knew I would prove to be a better parent and needed the child support way too bad since she didn't want to work. I got my son every other weekend legally, a whole lot more often in reality. Being my daughter's dad, I also got her. I always ended up the disciplinarian. I am the one that ended up at the schools when she either got in trouble (which was about twice a year). At around the age of 8 or 9, her biological father found her. I had no idea he was ever looking. Apparently my ex had been lying to me about the biological father not wanting to be in the picture. I had never spoken to the man until this point. Turns out, he had a hard time holding down a job in what was then a good job market. He lived in a really bad part of town around Fountain Square. His lifestyle was not conducive to raising children. He and I had a long talk and he came to realize that Kaity had a dad and he wasn't it. Nor could he ever be the dad I was/am. He didn't have the drive for it. Not saying I'm a better person. Some men just aren't cut out to be fathers just like some men aren't cut out to be bachelors. Yeah, he could "do the right thing" and pay support and put in minimal time. But being a father is soooo much more than that. You have to be willing to be understanding, educate, sacrifice your time and put the child first, base who you date on who will be good for your child, etc.

Oh, and my dedication paid off. Both of them now live with me. But it took real commitment to finally get that.

My point? Do you think you or the other guy would be a better father for this child? DNA doesn't make a good dad. Even if your DNA matches, if you think he will serve that child better as a dad, the right thing to do may not be what you have a legal right to do. I've seen situations where the biological father being in the picture did more harm than good (and vice versa, of course). Having a "real dad" but a more involved step father is much harder on a child than some people may realize. The child feels a lot of guilt for loving the step father more, for one thing. I've also seen too many men use child issues as a way to get at a woman because they are jealous of the other guy. They feel the other guy has already taken something from them by replacing them in the relationship with the woman. I sincerely hope that isn't the case with you.

So, please, be sure you aren't just doing this over matched DNA. Be sure you are convinced you would make the better father, too. Your decision if the DNA matches yours will affect this child's future 100%.

Please understand I am only trying to give a different perspective. I obviously do not know you or those involved, so I am merely speaking on my own experience and hypotheticals.

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Permalink Reply by Brian on February 23, 2010 at 3:10am

I sort of see where you are coming from. I know her husband will be the one that he will call dad. Its not the child's fault. His mother made the choices she made and I made the choice a long time ago no matter what I am going to be a part of his life and I will fight for him. I simply going to be a part of his life if he is mine both as a parent and financially supportive as the law states. The worst thing about it is that I want to see him everyday but I am afraid to get very attached because he may not be mine. She has lied to me numerous times and I don't believe a word she says. I suppose we will have to put our differences aside for the child's sake if the DNA results turn out that he is mine. But Joe, it takes everything in my power to be the bigger person in all of it. I have nothing against her husband, I just want my legal rights and she does not want me to have those and she has made that very clear to me in her actions. In putting the cart before the horse in that if he is mine, Ive been trying to figure out if it will be fair to him to request his last name to be changed or hyphenated. Most marriages fail and just to know her history, I am not sure If I would be comfortable with him having his last name. What do you feel about last names especially if he will be living with them full time? Do you think it would confuse him as he got older? Thank you for giving a different perspective. I really never thought of things like that before.

Joe said:

I'm only offering a different perspective. . .

What do you mean the right thing? Do you mean legal or moral?

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is not biologically or legally mine. I came into her life when she was 2. Her mother and I married. Divorced 10 years ago. I've always been Dad. Her mother and I had a son together. I got screwed on custody because the court wouldn't separate the children and I had no legally rights to my daughter since my ex wouldn't allow adoption. She knew I would prove to be a better parent and needed the child support way too bad since she didn't want to work. I got my son every other weekend legally, a whole lot more often in reality. Being my daughter's dad, I also got her. I always ended up the disciplinarian. I am the one that ended up at the schools when she either got in trouble (which was about twice a year). At around the age of 8 or 9, her biological father found her. I had no idea he was ever looking. Apparently my ex had been lying to me about the biological father not wanting to be in the picture. I had never spoken to the man until this point. Turns out, he had a hard time holding down a job in what was then a good job market. He lived in a really bad part of town around Fountain Square. His lifestyle was not conducive to raising children. He and I had a long talk and he came to realize that Kaity had a dad and he wasn't it. Nor could he ever be the dad I was/am. He didn't have the drive for it. Not saying I'm a better person. Some men just aren't cut out to be fathers just like some men aren't cut out to be bachelors. Yeah, he could "do the right thing" and pay support and put in minimal time. But being a father is soooo much more than that. You have to be willing to be understanding, educate, sacrifice your time and put the child first, base who you date on who will be good for your child, etc.

Oh, and my dedication paid off. Both of them now live with me. But it took real commitment to finally get that.

My point? Do you think you or the other guy would be a better father for this child? DNA doesn't make a good dad. Even if your DNA matches, if you think he will serve that child better as a dad, the right thing to do may not be what you have a legal right to do. I've seen situations where the biological father being in the picture did more harm than good (and vice versa, of course). Having a "real dad" but a more involved step father is much harder on a child than some people may realize. The child feels a lot of guilt for loving the step father more, for one thing. I've also seen too many men use child issues as a way to get at a woman because they are jealous of the other guy. They feel the other guy has already taken something from them by replacing them in the relationship with the woman. I sincerely hope that isn't the case with you.

So, please, be sure you aren't just doing this over matched DNA. Be sure you are convinced you would make the better father, too. Your decision if the DNA matches yours will affect this child's future 100%.

Please understand I am only trying to give a different perspective. I obviously do not know you or those involved, so I am merely speaking on my own experience and hypotheticals.

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